I will not let you love me.
As a teacher
I was sitting in my one of my Law classes when a previous professor opened the door and asked if I wanted to interview at her school. She was moving to a reading position, and they needed both a 7th grade and 9th grade Language Arts Teacher.
Yes. I replied
Over the next few weeks, we exchanged emails and talked a few times before class so that I could get the details on the interview. She was part of the interview team and suggested that I would fit in on the 7th-grade team with Mrs. T and Mrs. U. I talked about it with my wife, and we told the school that I would like to teach 7th grade.
We taught six sections of Co-taught Language Arts that first year. We had about 45 kids with IEP’s (Individualized Education Program or Plan). The goal was to include all kids in the same Language Arts classes and support where needed, both for students with IEP’s and those without IEP’s. It was amazing. I loved having another teacher in the classroom. I grew exponentially as a teacher because of that situation.
I was on an excellent interdisciplinary team and had a killer grade level LA team. Things were great until about the third week of school. I had a student named Ten (not her real name).
She wasn’t necessarily a difficult student or behavior problem; she just wouldn’t let me in. Ten wouldn’t let me care about her. I can take it even a bit further. She was determined not to let me love her.
We had students write weekly journals, and I would write back in the journals, like a pen pal type of thing. Journal writing allowed me to get to know the kids and also check in on their writing, punctuation, fluency, etc.
It was extremely time consuming, but so worth it. I learned so many cool things about the kids’ lives and what they cared about and what they were doing outside of school. Ten, would not write in her journal or give me any type of information.
Let me rephrase. She wrote in her journal because she wanted to “get a grade,” but Ten didn’t write about anything important. For nearly 36 weeks she wrote a page about Phineas and Ferb. She wrote about an entire episode in each Journal entry. I gave her credit for writing, but it hurt so much that she wasn’t willing to share.
I read every journal entry and responded with follow up questions and comments on each entry. Lowkey, I became a huge fan of Phineas and Ferb. I started watching it with my sons and my responses in Ten’s journal became more informed and specific.
She still didn’t let me in.
We finished the year, and I got an entirely new group of kids, new co-teacher, and addition to our Grade Level Department team. The second year was even better than the first. I found my teacher flow and solidified my inner authority.
Occasional, Ten would come back to visit. We would talk about current teachers and classes. She was over Phineas and Ferb by then and had moved on to something else. Occasional visits happened for the next five years. I wrote letters of recommendation for cheer and some part-time jobs, and eventually a letter of recommendation for College.
I saw her at the Copper Hills Football/Basketball games when I would go over to watch former students play/dance/cheer/march.
Ultimately, it took six years.
She came back over to the middle school to invite me to graduation. She gave me a note which I won’t share here, but among other things, she thanked me for never giving up on her and for being one of her biggest fans among other things.
As educators, we can’t give up on kids. We absolutely can’t.
As an administrator, I have a few kids who will not let me love them. It hurts. At times, it makes me feel like I’m not doing everything that I can to help them.
As an Administrator
I know some may say, well that’s their problem. If they don’t want to be cared about, that’s on them. Is it? Is it really on them?
In most cases, the kids who are fighting this the most, are the ones that need the love and connection the most.
If they are 12-15 years old and refuse to allow people care about them. I mean truly care about them, what kind of adult will they become?
We worked with a few students this week (and have for the past three years) who at their core, are amazing kids, and have kind hearts, who also struggle with a few things. I don’t know if they know how much I and others in the school care about them. Even after telling them, showing them, listening to them, and trying everything we know how to do from an educators perspective, sometimes they shrug it off.
Like Ten, we are not giving up. Just taking a pitstop to refuel to get back at it on Monday.